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I think you know how this works by now.

Before entering any stores, we stopped at an eating place called Ruby Tuesday, an establishment which I have never encountered far removed from a mall environment. I suspect that the mall acts as a "nest," in which Ruby Tuesday helplessly awaits regurgitated customers from the mall's designated fast food area, who scoff at the choices and decide instead to seek some "real food." Eventually Ruby Tuesday forms a mysterious cocoon around itself, emerging weeks later as a majestic TGI Friday's, free to fly about the world, some day to land and make people wait 45 minutes for overpriced Arby's grade food wherever it chooses.

These foremost objects are onion straws. It's kind like what would happen if you had onion rings, took out the onion, breaded and fried the fried breading, and forgot to put the onion back in. There was a ghost story moment when the [first] free refil of my trademark "coke with no ice" not only had ice but tasted like someone had dissolved one of those wretched cherry un-cordials(oh so clever i am) in it . Upon my reporting that I must have been given cherry coke by mistake or out of spite, I was informed that they don't have cherry coke. WHOoooooooooOooOOOOooOoooh!

The signature preparation, "Hang-off-the-plate ribs," highlights how small Ruby Tewsdee's serving dishes are.

After half an hour of unending deliberation regarding the portion sizes, upon our leaving this advertisement at last revealed where the other half of our orders went.

Garfield exhibits disapproval for people who use this entrance.

This woman's name is Simon. That's possibly a worse name for a clothing store mascot than an allegedly to be feared vampire hunter.

This toilet is out of order. Errr... I guess it angrily rejects anything placed into it.
I was going to write "why no fix?" under the initial message, but toilet use is a such an intellectual experience for me that I forgot to finish my mission.

The famous Pac Sun headless models, making a statement. That statement: this celery won't stay in my pockets.

Lots of pink in this section, for people who bleed a lot.

Eventually the topic presented itself of whether I would be buying anything. I rejected such a notion(?), citing the tack quotient of the product. Although what I wear already is quite the tackful, that's already been paid for.

Are you sure about that?

Behind, spencer gifts, the store entirely devoted to embarrassing the soon to be former friends of its patrons. Definitely, this is the place to go if you like to buy things people will maybe laugh at once and then find an excuse to disassociate with you so they don't feel bad about throwing it away. Look at this! It has rude words on it! Hey now, this one makes obnoxious noises! Wait a minute, you mean to tell me someone who can't draw made lots of pictures of exposed derrieres?
Yiwkas, with Flash movies, comic strips and 90% of the illustration bearing merchandise within this place, you have to wonder how anyone with a thimble of art talent has any time to make money. Foremost among the highlighted characters here is a character I at this moment dub the Please Be Offended Rabbit, who can tell people to die and then flip them off in 12 different languages. And... people buy it? Why did Beavis and Butthead even have writers? Hey, want to save money? Buy a blank shirt and a pen. Now, draw a stick figure and write a bunch of swear words. All day people will wonder how you ever got an item so kewl and kitschy before this month's edition of Arbtitrarily Trendy Dumpsterbait Power.

Now HERE's a guy who knows how to throw stuff away. He's too good to even look at the garbage can. It's a shame that this great. apparently eleven feet tall role model decided to give misleading information regarding proper operation of this unit, for in attempting to imitate my new hero I was not able to get my dark grey ball to fall through the receptacle's roof.

I never believed that global economy propaganda, until I saw this, a level of quality and moral business practicing that just five years ago I'd have needed to travel all the way to Singapore to find. Wait... wait. Perhaps I judge too soon. I'll ask this fine salesperson who would surely be checking "other" on the race select

"Isn't this illegal?"
"Does Nintendo get any money from this?"
"It's not Nintendo."
"This looks a lot like Super Mario Brothers."
"You plug it into the TV.

Well, you've certainly sold me. I'm glad we understand each other. Hmmm, what's this list here?

How about those games, ehhh? Such memorable classics like Alladin III and Birdweek. No, the selections have nothing to do with the fact that these are all games under 65 kilobytes in size which you could fit the largest quantity of into a disk that would fit inside what appears to be a Nintendo 64 controller with the d-rod ripped out. No, these games like Urban Champion and Donkey Kong Jr. Math* are nothing less than indispensable classics which everyone not only knows but loves as well. We're talking legendary, NES exclusive titles, that which made it the must-have system, such as Elevator Action, Circus Charlie, and TEKKEN. Disregard entirely the rumors that Tekken, being a 32 bit CD game designed for a different system in this case is actually Karateka misnamed, but even if it is, who doesn't like KARATEKA? Don't be put off because Contra is the first game on the list. I assure you it is by no means a representative of its neighbors. Arcade mega smash hits like Nuts 'n Milk and Twin Bee, the ways they were meant to be played: in 16 colors with a single player using an implement that someone probably stepped on. It is not from lack of licenses or "big names," but purity of genre definition that the likes of Tennis, Baseball and Wrestling grace the list.

*(note that this isn't Donkey Kong Jr. and Math, the little known 198x single Eminem recorded in an attempt to cash in on "Pac-Man Fever" prior to his deciding upon his current name, but rather Donkey Kong Jr. does math, the process through which symbols and numbers equal another number. Yes, it's "how about, instead of going up against a maniacal Mario to save his father, jr. climbs chains to awkwardly select digits to thanklessly complete math problems, making school worksheets seem fun by comparison?" Donkey Kong Jr. Math. Disregarding my personal opinions, because I didn't even like the notably equation deficient Donkey Kong Country, I can assume this title was not popular, because if it was I'd have inevitably have found its rom beside a pointless hack version called Donkey Bong Jr. Meth.)


Wow! Look at those graphics! You mean to tell me if I buy this big box I could very well find the Arizona travel brochure you stole that car picture from?

Don't forget, this is THE ORIGINAL NEW ADDITION. I know I can't. I'll probably be awake all night trying to figure out if that makes sense or not, so I might as well infect you with it too.
I fully support ripping off international oppressive corporations, but at least make a decent product if you're going to charge money for it. "50 cents per game," the genericly foreign salesperson informed me. Yes indeed, but only if you buy 76 (though the box actually claims 7600) at once, and they have to be these games. Considering that rom sites which let me choose my own games to use how I choose for free still get shut down all the time despite not even being physical entities, I don't think it would take a great deal of effort to break up this shodful operation. Once I convince someone it's real. At the moment, it looks and sounds too much like the Super Video Mega Power 3000 system from that one episode of Step by Step where the nerd kid suddenly acknowledges the existence of video games (all of which make Atari Pac-Man noises), gets addicted to them, and forgets about them in time for next week's show in which he suddenly likes baseball.

Over in the land of official, licensed, quality sealed junk I'd never buy, I entered Electronics Boutique (or EB for people who can't spell) for reasons not yet revealed to me.

Not surprisingly, the popular game at this station was the dumbest named of the four, sorely flogging Splinter Cell, Pikmintwa and even Paper Mario. It's DONKEY KONGA (sans math), operated by a peripheral unit which I personally guarantee will grant you every bit as much lasting appeal and durability as the Nintendo Power Pad.

Also in this store I looked at some usb port control devices of a less silly variety, for use with my admittedly non-super and non-power computer. Ultimately none was chosen, because after passing through that market place region not long ago I had begun to question my long held convictions regarding the legitimacy and integrity required to be granted mall space alongside such establishments of purity and general non-evility as McDonald's and The Disney Store.

That's good. I was getting tired of washing you, especially in the sink.

Right out of church and already the raping starts. I'm starting to doubt the validity of the self righteousness which drives the Berenstain Bears.
Note that this page of this book was only chosen to display here on the advice of the person playing Donkey Konga a couple of pictures previous. The same person, I should mention, who encouraged

these shenanigans.
The moral of this story is that you should only bother giving me advice that it would be in my best interest not to take.

Luckily, CAM-RA doesn't have enough space for every slightly odd looking item in the children's section of a book store.

...That Brother Bear getting kinks out wasn't even discovered on purpose is a worrisome thing indeed.

Now wait just a dern minute. You mean to tell me, that after all these years, on September 21, I will be able to watch the original Star Wars movie, in my own house, on my television set? Slow down, ya lost me. Just call your toll free number? But wait! Order within the next ten minutes and you'll also get the Hyper Clean dvd box cleaning kit, a thirty dollar value, absolutely free!
Since seeing this poster, I've heard that this is special because it has "new sound" (sounds like the same lasers as always) and "new picture" (still looks like a garbage can with wheels) or some such things of that nature. So you mean that "digitally remastered" talk from eight years ago was a lie? Or perhaps maybe not so much a lie as a meaningless truth? Oh, oh, and then after that there was the other new digitally remastered version with the coffee-cake cgi extra scenes. I remember that I witnessed The Empire Strike Back from the safety of a theater and I didn't notice anything new enough to recall as being new at a later date such as this. Just a lot of snow. I will grant the Lucas that theirs were products far superior to Pac-Man, but that doesn't mean I have to always like it. What about EXTRAS?! Twenty-seven years have elapsed. If there's any remaining, surviving crew member whose story has not been told before operating cameras that can only be because it's not worth hearing. The Wizard of Oz munchkins were getting interviewed well into the last decade, but you know what? They actually were munchkins. Harrison Ford isn't really Han Solo, Mark Hamill isn't really Luke Skywalker (so don't even try to cash that check he paid you with), and Grover isn't really Yoda.

However, I pledge to you that this page is really over.