I like French. I used to not, because I've abhored every made up French character I've ever known, due to their annoying accents and tendency to say stupid stuff like “sacre bleu,” pretty much demanding to be hated, so it only made sense to pass this hatred for made up French on to actual French. But I'm willing to forget about that, to put it behind me, in the past, because the Mega Amelicans have recently taken serious issue with the French (like more so than before, I mean), for the silliest of reasons, and as I probably hate them just a bit more than I hate French, I feel I must side with them yella frogs in this matter. You see, what happened is that France government, opposed and refused to participate in the U.S. and U.K. Coalition's recent invasion of Iraq. Many non-French countries were also rather disagreeable on this subject, but as I've already made clear, growing up in The Land of the Free[dom-in-place-of-the-word-French], you tend to hate the French anyway, so a challenge to your make-believe world authority might be enough to push you over some edge.

What happens when you go over that edge? Well sometimes... sometimes you get so mad that you just want to POUR WINE INTO THE SEWER SYSTEM! That will sure show those uhhh... people you paid to give it to you. I heard today whenever I started writing this that these dopes have gone as far as to boycott French restaurants to, quote, “show support.” Show support for what? Their own unabatable self-righteousness? It's not like you need permission from the French government to start a French restaurant, and they certainly don't get any money out of it, so the only people who would be affected by such a thing are American business owners. Awww ban, I would've thought the French food was reason enough to avoid such establishments, but apparently there are people who like that sort of thing. Mainly, overpriveledged rich snobs whose enjoyment of food is in direct proportion to how much it costs. On the one end are rich anti-war liberals (at least they were before it started, whores), the celebrities, whom I hate, and on the other cavort the rich pro-war conservatives, the politicians, whom I also hate (this difference in sensibilities doesn't make a whole lot of sense, because celebrities get paid to do stuff that's not really work, and politicians get paid to take advantage of people who do work; you'd think they'd be the best of friends). So this restaurant thing shouldn't bother me too much, and shouldn't affect anyone. But it does, and it might. It bothers me because the people revoking their patronage think they are helping someone, when in fact they are helping no one but themselves by managing to think they're doing someone, anyone a favor, and merely by not eating something, at that. There's nothing more annoying than people who think they're being helpful. Cad-spork, even the ones who are helpful are pure punishment to be around if they're proud enough of themselves. Ehhh... They won't eat French food, so they'll just eat something else instead. Wow, big sacrifice, that. At least the lerds who bought and didn't drink the bottles and bottles of French wine were doing something. Unredeemably idiotic and not the least bit additive to their cause, perhaps, but it was action taken, nonetheless. Not going to a restaurant is surprisingly easy. I, for instance, have not dined at any frenchlike-but-not-really establishments since the boycott started. In fact, I haven't ever. I ought to get some kind of award!

But enough of that. Enough negativity. As I said, I like French now. French stuff like this:

Great Stereotypes
This picture is better if you imagine that the black background is the body of the fatter man.

Whether they're laughing like fat men being electrocuted or riding bicycles with really big front wheels, some of our greatest cultural misconceptions are wrongly attributed to the French. Why do they insist on wearing red and white striped shirts and lopsided berets, and growing such silly moustaches? Nobody knows, especially not them, because they don't! Therefore, it is funny. All French people are rude, because they aren't very nice to people who don't learn to speak French before coming there. I tried to explain why this is hilarious to some dirty Spaniards, but they didn't understand, presumably because they speak Spanish, and I don't. I even said it louder and more slowly for them, but they refused to understand what I was saying. How rude! Also, a cheese grater is called a râpe de fromage in France. That's not really a stereotype, but with the correct misinformation it could surely become one.

The name “Frank”
Is he pointing a gun or a tootsie roll pop at me?
The name Frank is derived from the word France, or at least I think it is. As long as the subject of stereotypes is still fresh in my mind, that is surely enough. Frank is such a great name, sometimes people who aren't Frank want to be frank. They're serious, too! I'm willing to bet Hungry Man is a Frank. He looks like a Frank. Were you aware that Leutenant Frank Drebin of Police Squad is named Frank? I was surprised, too. And who would voice our cartoon dogs if we had no Frank Welker? Frank Welker actually did a voice for the Scooby Doo programs, strangely enough not the dog. He actually voiced Fred, whose name begins the same way that Frank does. Eerie! And I almost forgot... you guessed it, Frank Stallone! But you guessed wrong. It's Frank Lautenberg. I assume you know who that is, so I'll move on.

Iron Chef French: Hiroyuki Sakai Oh no! I used his Food Network name!
You know a show's weird when a foreign market adaption starring *William Shatner* seems sane and bland by comparison
I know I wasn't long ago complaining about French food, but Sakai is actually Japanese, and his dishes are French only as far as a zany Japanese game show is concerned, in other words, harldy at all (squid pudding with squid mousse comes to mind) . Anyway, have you any idea how hard it is to look dignified and intimidating when you're rising out of the floor on a mechanised platform clutching a pear against your chest? Sure you do. We've all tried. But only this guy can do it properly, and he pulls it off everytime. Sure, the chef introduction was pre-taped, so he only actually ever did it once, but it's more times than you have, I'm sure. Also, back when I first started watching the show, he had my favorite dub-voice. That should count for something.

Easy access to pirate software
I actually *own* a copy of this game in *English,* but the whole thing is in essence really *REALLY* French so I think it still fits
It's no secret that the U.S. has very strict copyright laws. But apparently other countries don't, as it's a whole lot easier to get stuff without paying if you don't insist on the websites being in a language you (as in me) understand, and those produced in France are not an exception to this (this is, of course, assuming you do not speak French). Who really wants to read what they have to say, anyway? I like to think that “click my banner(s) or the downloads will not work” gets ignored universally.

The French Connection
Get three in a row, go for one more.  Watch for the block, (forget it, you're stuck!)  Go for the glory, go for the score, go for it... (I win!) Connect Four!
I've never seen this film, but if it's anything like City Connection, then I have no choice but to approve. Also, I need this here for the purposes of a joke that at one point occupied this space which made me look like a collossal dork. Like, more so than usual, I mean.

There's plenty more left to be said, but seeing as this page was harldy topical a week ago, I might as well put up what I have before it becomes any less so. Besides, you can only think about France for so long before you start dopingly quoting from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and nobody wants that.

Is the one in the foreground having gunshot spasms while screaming in pain, or gleefully flying away?
Is he as bad as Bad Andy?