Dennis Miller reminds me of every popular school student I ever hated. He's too confident in saying everything to be potentially likable. It makes me mad. Despite missing one N, Denis Leary is the same way. Dennis the Menace is also a menace. Den[n]ises are bad news. Even tennis is pretty boring. It's so boring, the minimalist variants of it with completely different names are also boring.

One N Denis has a show about firefighters on the Bat-Man channel, which is fine, but he has that Barber Shop (as in: Barber Shop the movie) attitude like what goes on in fire-houses are the funniest pranks and purest social commentary on earth and this is also somehow consistent in all fire-spaces everywhere. No. Some of them contain humorless, mean-spirited scoundrels who only think their unchecked hazing rituals are funny. It cannot be helped. They exist in all professions, but most especially in ones that rely on and grant vaguely defined public authority to mega-oafs. The flame oppressors do a more important job than football players and recieve an inversely proportional amount of adoration for it, but I don't have to like Denis Leary for also knowing that.

He's always telling stories about what a selfish twunk he is. He admits to killing characters on the fire show because the actors didn't get him a sandwich (they should have been more leery when offered the jobs, oh ho) or how he votes for award shows based on who his friends are rather than who should get votes. I would possibly do that too, were I capable of making friends and eligible to cast those votes, but I wouldn't brag about it as if it was a positive attribute. I'm ashamed even when I do something good! This guy thinks everything he does and likes are the best and that everyone agrees with him. Naw! Not everyone agrees!

One time he said that he keeps his kids quiet by showing them his gun. That is not justifying your authority! You can't even pretend to have a more valid claim to volume ownership than them? "Hey kids, you have no right to vocal expression because I own a machine which can kill you." Lear won't actually kill them, but they wouldn't be quiet unless they legitimately believed he would. How can you hope to be loved by people who think you might murder them? It's not like one of those The Belt scenarios where kids can expect to survive it and regret it. So either Denis Leary's kids hate him or his talkshow anecdotes are unamusing falsehoods. Either way he is a scoundrel.

Dennis Miller knows people disagree, but he doesn't address their arguments, and rather tries to obscure them with irrelevant pseudo insults. I wish I could remember what I was referring to when I typed that. However, I'd prefer to not know that than see Dennis Miller again. He's one of those people who thinks "Shakespeare said kill all the lawyers" means anything. You can listen to that, you can laugh, "oh ha ha, such a witty and well thought out joke!" No! If there wasn't adequate legal representation for the lawyers' murderers, there would not be adequate representation for any murderers and anyone could murder anyone for any reason and the only law would be The Law of The Land, Texas justice! That is a bad thing! Arrrgh! People make me mad! Also, I can walk regardless of any court case's outcome! That is a stupid word to use for that purpose!

I've waited a long time for a chance to complain about Den[n]ises. Why did I wait? According to legend, Denis Leary is some level of cousin to Conan O'Brien. I did it for you, Conan! I know Leary was a hired voicer for one of the worst movies (A Bug Life) saying one of the worst lines (So, being a ladybug automatically makes me a girl!), but I decided it was unfair to hate someone over one evil voice job. So now we have a second, in the form of Ice Age 2.

With lord of the loathed herself, Queen Lafitra no less. On the other side of the poster for the movie where people kidnap and murder tourists for recreational purposes. Her Get out of Jail Free card on life just expired. That means an Ice Age 3 with her voice in it would be a prosecutable offense. There is officially no longer any reason for people to pretend to like her publicly visible self. And don't think you're being edgy and counter-cultural by being unofficial, because I can only declare that official unofficially.

I know this was released about two weeks ago, but it took me a while to internally justify the firefighter comments. Beside that, it seems to be still making money, and advertising for it is still around. It puzzles me that the amount of post-release hype is inversely proportional to the number of people who have already responded to it. Basic Instinct the II ope-... debuted the same day, did horribly, and whose-ever made it haven't mentioned it since then. With the second Ice Age, however, it was "Gosh, look at how lucrative this movie is. You're right. We'd better get the word out on it." This, of course, often leads to the "this is the most seen movie, so come see it" phenomenon. They want me to congratulate them for being rich! It's pretty arrogant, but I foresee a time when it will be "we're number 2, but don't we deserve to be number one? You people haven't paid us enough yet. How dare you." How dare it.

I guess the idea of this movie is that the ice hasn't melted yet. Good luck with that. Considering that actual ice ages last tens of thousands of years, the series could go on for quite some time. This one is secodarily titled "the meltdown," but considering that characters from the first movie are still alive, and ten thousand years of ice would take a substantial period to melt, I'm sure, if they were to notice at all, they would have before now. Or then. At any rate, a more appropriate title would be Ice Age Still, the Melt Proceeds Further Toward the Interglacial Stage.

Do audiences really like looking at these? If so, is that to a greater extent than they like looking at normal cartoons? If still so, is that because all the normal cartoons are straight to dvd and intentionally made to seem worse by comparison so that at some idealized point in the future studios can devote 100% of their resources to pixelized pukery that costs half as much money to make but sells just as many tickets? It is definitely showing up at a rate exceeding what I've ever known regular animation to be capable of. I hope I die or forget English before 2054 when The New Adventures of the Council of Dopes unanimously proclaims this period as the Golden Age of Animation.

I remember that it was not so very long ago that Hoodwinked was in the theatres. Hoodwinked, as you know, was the sequel to modern day black-face classic Bamboozled. The third in the series, with a projected release time of winter 2007, will be known as Flimflammed and will star wooden golliwog puppets. You read it here first.

There's another raytraced rotfest coming out this week ("this" being the week when I wrote this), whose name escapes me just now, and it has a koala in it. Because I guess none of the other marauding crew of dissimilar, incompatible, talking animal movies had koalas in them, and that counts as originality. Well, good for them. Things are going to get fairly weird (if we pretend they aren't already) when we start running out of animals american kids have heard of. Pretty soon we're going to have one featuring a snail, a flamingo, a pig, a trilobyte and a chimichanga (voiced by Cheech Marin) on a quest to sell children whichever soft drink's company makes the highest bid.

My sources also inform me that by June we will be learning of a thing called Cars, so named because it is an educational, informative film about automobiles, and features comprehensive information about all sorts of them, rather than a few specific cars. It features a cameo appearance by -and that I know already without having sought the information goes against the point of having cameos, I believe- Jay Limo, which is clever if 1) it makes sense for cars to have talk show hosts whose names rhyme with the names of human talk show hosts whose names are not puns, or even talk shows at all, and 2) you're an idiot. The most surprising thing about it is the absense of a cameo by Gary Numan. Apparently only Randy Newman is allowed to have his songs in these.

From what I've seen, Cars looks to be the deformed, twisted offspring of The Brave Little Toaster and those foul CG M&M ads. The m&ms, as ever, I thankfully do not associate with the product I am meant to associate them with. Once, on a Friday, I saw a picture of one, and never wanted, nor even thought of M&Ms, the candy, until Saturday, when I looked at a box of Junior Mints. The Junior Mints had already been paid for, so I did not buy M&Ms.

Oh, oh! How can I forget the Scottish accent owl movie threatening to appear in Fall 2006? If you know, tell me.

I don't know what happened to the Over the Hedge movie. I hope it was something bad. Maybe someone threw it over the hedge and it broke when it hit the sidewalk.