A true artist finds ways to distract from its  drafting inadequacies

This came in while I was out.

Date: Tue, 7 Aug 2007 03:33:45 -0700 (PDT)
From: Heart Attack Jones <[email protected]>
Subject: Eating pencils for fun and profit.
To: [email protected]

It occurs to me that your character name "Nemitz" is not asimilar to "nemets," the Russian word for "German". This in turn derives from the ancient Slavic word "nemoj", meaning "mute", as to the ancient Slavs, speaking a language they couldn't understand was tantamount to not being able to speak at all (similar tp the Greek "bárbaros," the logic being that those who spoke inferior non-Greek langauges might as well be babbling "bar-bar-bar"). It is appropriate, then, that Nemitz should likewise speak in a language we cannot understand (and, with reference to the German angle, also utters the phrase "Sprechen Sie?" at one point). Is this mere coincidence, or was it intended as a very oblique, obscure pun?

Date: Mon, 13 Aug 2007 15:04:53 -0400
From: "Alamince Bisquiskis" <[email protected]>
Subject: Scruples!
To: "Heart Attack Jones" <[email protected]>

I'm going to treat this as a serious inquiry.
Please don't give me that much credit. That makes it harder to get away with things that are totally baseless and unresearched. When I put that much thinking into anything, I tend to get 3000 word incoherent tirades regarding the likes of Who's Your Caddy?. Proper planning would never have left a speechless role to a character of normal height that's not meant to be inconsequential, who is supposedly the equal of another character which does talk. Nemitz is neither small or comically oversized enough to function as a pet, nor technically skilled enough to function as an R2-D2.
This is an important issue, I think. Would you mind if I made public your observations accompanied by my further thoughts on the matter?

I suppose I wouldn't mind. Though you should probably include an image of me wearing a brown jacket with elbow patches and smoking a bubble pipe in order to give my statements further critical weight.

I'll certainly take that under advisement.

It occurs to me that nemitz is more like Chewbacca than R2D2, but I can tell you from experience that the paralyzed are generally lousy in fights.

In truth, I am incapable of proper research. I intentionally alter certain words... not so much because I fancy myself a creator of vast and wondrous things, but more so I can claim to have meant something totally different should a reason arise. For example, I might show some things eating "shebert." It might look like sherbet, it may be implied to taste like sherbet, but I'd still reserve the right to eventually explain its ingredients as something quite different from those of sherbet if it ever becomes convenient for me to have the creatures be not smart enough to make ice or have the consumption of most fruit be lethal. Or to declare that fruit does not exist altogether. It's really quite cowardly.

The job of creative consultant is available.

So, "nemitz" is a seemingly random, nonsense word which I believe to be the first thing I ever had it producing a dialogue bauble containing.

Which was an incorrect belief. Rather, the peculiar sequence of pictures "nemitz" appeared in started prior to the first dialogue bauble, which was on the same piece of paper and contained nonsensical language I did not recall afterwards. Don't reread that if it didn't make sense. There's no time.

Ah, there we go. There wasn't even any punctuation. Just NEMITZ    . At the time, it did not occur to me that the beast might have been introducing itself.

For the curious, or merely dangerously compulsive, here is the full... well, it's full. Some characters have delightful and fascinating pasts. Not NEMITZ.

The origin of NEMITZ['s name]

Looking back on this, it seems most unpleasant to honor at all, but I've already done it. Oops. I'm sure you have many questions, and rest yourself assured, few will be answered. The only things we know for certain are that I thought it was really important what dates I drew these on, that it took me a whole week, and that I wasn't sure if the week occurred in August or September.

The Super NES cartridge in one of the pictures says "KIRBY VS PIKACHU" on it. One can only wonder why I thought that was clever. I probably shouldn't even draw attention to it, because it's just uncalled for. Maybe that's why the lizardy creature felt compelled to swallow it whole.

For some reason, this lone, exceptionally sketchy head just floating by itself –evidently using residual vomit as a means of propulsion– I find to be extra depressing. So naturally I'm showing it again.

So wrong, yet just think of the megayiff slutso cheese ball I could have become. How didn't I? How am I not a fetish-artist-for-hire with several hundred vocal onlookers and quite proud of myself in the process? (I'm not proud at all) Ah, years ago my elder brother used to call me a cheese ball. It made me very upset. I realize now he was only looking out for my best interests and ended up teaching me a valuable lesson.

Though I believe I only gave the nemite hair at all to make less obvious its status as a botched Heretic gargoyle-imp, the potential for bad decisions was high. Few people used the terminology "furrie" with its now common connotations back then, much less knew the consequences of becoming one. I was totally unprotected. Luckily, I did come across a few people who swore they, themselves, the humans, were dragons, and I thought "more like dorkons! Ha ha ha, how I laugh at my own jokes!" But this revelation about the gargoyle-imps does make a running total of three out of ehhh recurring characters under my employment who are lazily devolved from video game sprites. It'd be pathetic if, once again, I weren't aware of how pathetic it was. No, it's just kind of sad.

As for the lack of wings, this was due to a joint effort between my not being able to draw them from various angles, and also my inability to render convincing flight taking place from the angles I was decent with. This led me to realize hey, waw, nothing could ever fly with bat wings growing backwards out of its shoulders, and any mythical monster shown doing so violates basic laws of physics! I can imagine myself pointing this out to people, but thankfully do not recall a specific occasion upon which that happened.

The original eh draft of the more recent "story" nemitz appears in (which faded out promptly when I couldn't think of a reason for nemitz to be the object of such fuss, and I started making dumb megaman comics instead) nemitz was named Odz Fruitle. Four years after that I decided I didn't like the name. And that is all.

Prior to Odz, it was Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuff, a name blatantly stolen by me from an improvisation on the Amelican Whose Line is it Anyway of Brad Sherwood, the man best known now for his connection to the infamous M.C. Rove incident.
He said the name I stole twice, but the first time it was just Chester, which I would never call anyone. A recent investigation has revealed that most of the names he made up for the "Weird Newscasters" sketches included Chester or a type of meat.

A standard internet search by me just now for "snapdragon mcfisticuff," sans the disputed chesterly, revealed a fair amount of embarrassing results which I'm glad no one would ever mistake for being from me (and they aren't from me). However, I'm sad to see there are an even greater number of people named Nemitz, and factually at that. The existence of a fairly well documented Chester Nimitz is a total coincidence which I didn't even realize the linking powers of until now despite having heard of him before now.

So, to recappe:

I ripped off this bit,

not this one.

The mopey pink-shirted man, Colin Mochrie, was also present on the second occasion, but is rarely cited for failing to act in attempt to stop it from happening.

He actually slithered out of camera range after the pre-rap interrogation of Rove failed to reap rappable material, but eventually reappeared, either to show noble solidarity with Brad in an unsalvagably bad situation or because he's truly foolish. In any event I don't feel so bad about the frightful things I drew and typed when I was six-teen years old with no friends in a school for criminals now. And that still applies to the extra-creepsy bonus section we haven't come to yet.

This is the meanest thing I've seen all day. I never would have thought C-SPANiards the sorts to make a mochrie like this.

If inspiring Nemitz related activity and making me re-evaluate my relative opinion of Kriss Kross wasn't deemed bad enough (though I wish the deemers had consulted me, because I would have set them straight), these two were also founding members of The Wiggles. Isn't it wonderful how people can provide free entertainment to me for years only to have me turn on them at the slightest sign of greater public discontent? It's really not right, is it. You know, they went in front of all those people, worked without a script, and didn't honestly expect Karl Rove to come up on the stage with them, and once he did, what were they going to say to him? His job was making people lose their jobs. The whole debacle is quite forgivable, in a way.

I hardly think you're off the hook, mister.

But we were talking about NEMITZ, weren't we?

Yes, well, we're done, now...

Although if you really hate NEMITZ (but still read all that) and would like to ensure that you never come to not hate NEMITZ, you may proceed to the bonus section. I hope you can forgive me, at least.