March 16, 2003:
Domino's is now the official pizza of Nascar. My question is: Why does Nascar need an official pizza? Why does anyone need an official pizza, for that matter? That's just limiting yourself. You see, I used to have an official pizza, but it was a local pizza, so once I moved away, I couldn't have pizza anymore without breaching my contract, so I always had to eat it when no one was looking. If ever someone caught me eating it, I had to claim I was rehearsing for a movie role. Not a good situation.

Now, I understand that there are Dominos' all over the place, and in the event that there isn't one in the immediate area, doubtlessly someone on the Nascar premises has a reasonably fast car to drive to one. Because that's what Nascar people do. They drive. A lot. But Domino's simply does not make good pizza. They can blame it on Bad Andy all they want, but it's their own fault for hiring a monkey. They need to take some responsibility here. Maybe they thought that after their trouble with the Noid, the only way to keep the nemeses of pizza-kind out of trouble was to give them jobs. The US government nepotism department works on a similar concept, except with less realistic characters. You'll note that it does not work very well, but they'd have us believe it's a price well worth paying to keep “Jebby Beer” off the market.

You know, I hear a lot of cab driver jokes, but at least they're helping people. Sort of. Nascars just go around a track. Even if you think it's helping you by entertaining you, the fact of the matter is that even if you're there live, in the audience, you're not going to be able to see any one car for very long. And what's the most interesting thing that happens? Crashes, right? But crashes are bad. And even if they weren't bad, and everything was staged, you can only watch stuff like that for so long before evil dentists and necrophiliac burn-victims, who may or may not be the same person, start to show up (If you're like me, those are your favorite parts, but you're not like me, so I'm mentioning them like they're bad things). So what's the point, then? I guess I just don't understand sports. Yes, Nascar is a sport, apparently. I would dispute this if not for the fact that bowling and golf are also categorized as sports. And soon chess as well, I'm told. We might as well make Opera a sport. At least I'd watch that. But only the ones with spears and magic helmets.

I don't know anything about Nascar (you know, unlike the other stuff I've made pages about), except that my least favorite driver is Richard Petty. That is because there's an advertisement currently in circulation in which some Amoco employee recounts his father's car advice, and at the end says "when your dad is (or possibly daddy's, but I don't think it matters) Richard Petty, you tend to listen." Left to my own devices, I just assumed he was some country singer who owned a lot of cars or something. People listen to them, don't they? (I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure they do). He's even wearing one of those stupid hats. I say, if he wanted to be recognized, he should have been wearing a racing helmet (magic or otherwise) instead. Ehhh... Anytime it's just assumed that I'll know who someone is, I tend to bear ill feelings towards them. And even if I didn't, I can't think too highly of someone famous enough to assume I'll know who he is, but refuses to share his wealth with his children, leaving them no choice but to work at Amoco.
Another reason he might be a country singer is that a Frito advertisement once assumed I knew who Reba McEntire was, and it turns out she is one. Some man goes into a store and wants some Fritos, but he can't buy any because the store is closed. “But this is Reba McIntyre!” He pleads to the guy who just said the store was closed, and at some point I guess it is established that the aspiring customer is with Reba Mackenfracken. Comes the response “so?” My thought precisely. So what if it is Reba MacIntiar, and so what if she is a country singer? Well, it turns out country singers get Fritos for free, whether the store is open or not. All it costs them is an impromptu performance in the parking lot, which presumably cost less in pyrotechnics, confetti, crew fees and effort than to wait until tomorrow and pay $1.99 like us regular folk might. “I know what I like, and I like a lot of it I like Fritos!” she kind of sings. This rule applies exlusively to Fritos, however, as according to legend, a cousin of mine once took Billy Rae Cyrus' order at a McDonald's, and had the gall to demand money in exchange for it. A cousin of mine! I'm so ashamed.

Ehhh... Domino's official “partner” is Coca-Cola because... I guess they learned there were a bunch of guys who do nothing but sit in their [Nas]cars and drive around all day, yet somehow stay thin, while the people who do nothing but sit watching [Nas]cars drive around all day are some of the fattest there are. How fat are they? Their totalled mass is seventy-five percent of Americans (like you're going to check), despite the fact that only thirty-five percent of Americans watch Nascar (that means they're really fat. Ha ha, I make cryptic joke!). Anyway, corrective action is at last being taken!

But what of the unofficial pizzas? All those deviant, nonconformist, underground pizzas? Surely there are unofficial pizzas, otherwise it would be utterly pointless to have one that was official. Would Domino's use a meaningless term just to sound important? They named their pizza after flat dice, didn't they? My first experience with dominos, I didn't know what they were. I just assumed someone had opened up Parcheesi and broken the dice. I was angry about it, too. Not Parcheesi, I always hated Parcheesi. Even back when I liked Air Fortress I hated Parcheesi. That's how bad it is (even worse than Andy). I thought a less-aged-than-me sibling had done it, and them I simply despised. For years. I wanted to kill them. Kids can be so cruel. How dare they break dice in my house!

That box has been here for almost three weeks.


Don't get eaten by the GIANT OUTLET, Bad Andy!

Andy's not bad, just misunderstood. Indeed, I honestly don't understand what's going on here.

What a NOID.

You have to admire someone who wears a superhero costume to wreck pizzas. Really, you have to. Next time we'll read the contract before signing it, hmmm? Also, how would calling Domino's help me to avoid the Noid, if that's exactly where the Noid usually is?

I like Speed Racer a lot more when I'm not watching it

If there are no long-lost brothers who aren't allowed to reveal their identities involved, I'm not interested.

That smile looks painful.

Richard Petty, or possibly Tom Selleck. Even if he's not a country singer, he can't conceivably do any worse than they've done.

I won't watch Speed Racer, but I'll watch this?
The magic is in the horns, I'm guessing.