...so tired...

Welcome to September 2008 addendum
Since my writing this somewhat angry page between November '07 and whenever else, it has come to my attention, the quest in quest in quest in question for much of this treatise is seven years old and not the relatively recent beaurocratic mopejob I interpreted it as. Supposedly it had even failed to be selected on previous occasions for not being annoying enough. And besides that, the stuff I did seven years ago is even worse. With that in mind plenty of the contained comments may rightly be deemed as unfair but short of deleting it all I am not immediately sure of how to make that less so.

I'll understand if you want to leave, sniffle, snivel.

There's a thing called "Zelda Classic," a complete Windows binary reconstruction of ye olde Legende of Zeldae but with the expandability of that in mind. Legend enthusiasts who so wish can create their own "quests" without any of the seemingly arbitrary limitations traditionally associated with messing around in 128kilobyte ROM files. Unfortunately, as an internet project, it lends its user created items to a high degree of impossibility, apparent eliteness and overall lameness. Even if I liked it I'd get annoyed typing "classic" long before this page was done.

I felt about Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time, the way a lot of comic book nerds, and even some non-"nerds" felt about the Jerrald Bruckheimer Bat-Man movies. I didn't just not like it, I felt betrayed by it. Stuff was changed to make the thing more popular, except in this case it suceeded in getting more popular, so now all the games have annoying 3d cameras and automatic targeting and gorons and musketeer Ganon and 3-note jingles and hours and hours of boring fish-catching and horse-riding and bags for bombs in them. Those would be the least of my problems in Zelda Classic.

All the music is midi. In itself, that is not a problem. There are many good midis in existence and competent playback capabilities are a standard feature of computers these years. The problem is that the default quests and presumably most add-ons use basic Zegend of Lelda midis. I don't know how I handled the twenty-second dungeon theme for fifteen minutes at a time back in 1989, but I certainly can't handle a goofy faux-organ version for forty minutes at a time now.

Unlike the numerous Doom editors, with which I could load an existing level and dissect the author's techniques and, when necessary, find solutions to needlessly esoteric levels, Zelda Classic's one manipulation application, ZQuest, permits people to password-protect their things from being viewed, and of course they do. Considering that there are only two or three websites with quests for download, the primary one having a history of not working at all, if the fear is of plagiarism, I think it's misplaced.

As for why 3rd.qst, the official third quest, which comes with the program and that there's no way I could claim I made nor any reason I'd want to take credit for it, is password protected, I can only presume this is because its devisor Alpha Dawg doesn't want me to have to live with myself if I cheated to find the passage to Ganon in level 9 which still eluded me long after I'd mastered the labyrinth to the extent that I could clear most rooms of riff-raff without taking damage.

Another point of discontent which is unlike Doom, all quests must be self-contained ahhh quests, so uploading just one level is not an option, nor is playing one. Everything is a commitment.
I played stupid Doom edits regularly for five years and a bit more than sporadically after that. I can relate an astounding number of things to it, that, them.

And of course all the uploaded quests are rated. People on the internet love to rate things. They rate each other if you let them. The trouble is the people doing the ratings may have questionable standards. Sure, I love using the wooden sword up to level seven, or even better not getting one at all. And how does this Mazzinsaga fudnuddler on the hard-core gaming methij board who follows me around contradicting my posts have four more "karma" than I do? Has admitting to liking Chrono Trigger really jeopardized my reincarnation prospects?
That's another thing: that website's primary content, that which I read, anyway, dealt primarily with older video games, cartridge and pre-playstation cd based. Yet all they talk about on the forum are dumb old ex-box games. Why is that my problem?

I only had any karmas because I told some other person I recognized him from a different forum where I guess he must have had a positive experience and I don't think he realized I was the one person there who never contributed anything useful. I was only in it for the money.

But anyway,

I know I'm being set up for more trouble the earlier it becomes obvious that the dungeon master resents having to give me items. You'd think a game where even the "easy" 1986 first quest requires players to quickly expend and re-expend their limited bomb supplies blasting every wall on the map to find necessary items would get a bit of a break from that brand of jerkiness, because you're quite foolish.

Mr. Dawg's "official" third quest, which supposedly won a contest, is not even spared from this. There are plenty of secrets, more than ever, but almost all are useless (LET'S PLAY MONEY MAKING GAME) or detrimental (PAY ME FOR THE DOOR REPAIR CHARGE.). I know, I know, you want to "shake things up," but this actually discourages people from even searching for secrets, which is bad because there are just as many good secrets as before. I came to resent the once inerrantly positive-feeling-bringing secret noise. I ran into a good 12 angry door men before I could even buy the candle, and four or five more after. But the joke's on them, because I had no money at all for most of that. And later, due to the requirement of buying the 250 rupee blue ring before a win of Level 1 is feasible, I had minimal use for my money anyway. I certainly couldn't buy potions with it; the potion note cannot be found until Level 4 is cleared, either by whistle-warping to the island or using the raft-object, which is in Level 5. I imagine this is slightly more exciting to read about than it is to do across several hours.

You know those rooms in the "second" quest, where you realize you're trapped and have to take a tunnel back to the entrance? Quest 3 has a few of those too, except you need to fight 10 blue wizzrobes to uncover the tunnel, and then go through some more rooms, and I discovered it's actually less of a hassle to quit-save-escape and walk back to the desert screen where Level 7 is. As long as I don't step into any other dungeon before then, the game usually doesn't erase my map.

From my experience, the old game does not erase maps at all. I'm sure if there is some really extra old version where it does erase maps, that isn't due to a conscious design choice by the programmers. If they had meant for me to jump between levels I'm sure they would have spotted the problem and fixed it. Fortunately, that problem does not exist.
I never found the second sword.

I just told you what I want, that which I should have been afforded six hearts ago. I already detonated every cliff-side in hyrule looking for it, so your offer is somewhat meaningless. Zelda Classic doesn't have save states, either, so none of those bombs were used more than once.

Oh, you're a big help. He's only saying that because he's low on cash and wants to charge me for more door repairs he has no intention of making. He can't even afford the ear-extensions his predecessors have traditionally employed

Or maybe he spent his money on bright orange dye. Who knows. ? Not I.

You can't even enter the third quest unless you type your name as ALPHA ("Alpha" himself tells me that was not his idea) or grimp through the other two quests. The old two quests. I have to assume most people have played through those already, years ago, and probably only downloaded this doohickey at all because of the promise of new nonsense, and don't appreciate being jerked around like this.

As I implied, the official unofficial third quest beat out others to claim such an honor. It accomplished this by best embodying the "spirit" of the original game. I can only assume the judge's copy was possessed. Ooh, see what I did there? As for other quests, ones made using Zelda Classic's new features, without 3rd.qst's limitations and underachieving brain demon, I didn't want to spoil myself with fancy things before I'd played the quest which doesn't use them, and now that I have I'm too miserable to bother with anything else. I will, but not today.
To be fair, I must say that I have no excuse to assume a majority of other persons' projects are horrible. But only to be fair.

Maybe some other time.

In summation: I like the idea of Zelda Classic, and it's certainly a lot better than I'd expect from something which opens with this screen, but I really hate its attitude and that stupid third quest.

Uh oh.

I think I'd better get out of here. They've come to collect.

A fairly well-done rom-hack, Zelda Outlands does require skipping between levels and has no map trouble. In the event you're interested but hate patching roms as much as I do, this is, as far as I know, the proper Zelda Outlands ROM. In a zip file. I hate rars, too. Zelda Outlands is not compatible with Zelda Classic. Do not take Zelda Outlands if you are pregnant or nursing. It's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants and bring a change of clothes with you to Zelda Outlands. Zelda Outlands does not actually talk. Professional Outlands on closed Zelda. Sausage made from chicken and pork.